A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
* How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
* A bank is a place that will lend a person money if he can prove that he doesn't need it.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "Incase of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
* I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America ?
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so he can't get away.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* A sweater is a garment a child wears when his mother's cold.
* Bigamy is illegal. No man can serve two masters.
* I hear the voices in my wife's head
* Death is merely Mother Nature's way of telling you, "Slow down."
* Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children
* Blessed are they who run in circles; they shall be known as "wheels".
* The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
* You're jealous because the voices only speak to me.
* The memory's the second thing to go. I forget what's first.
* If you cross an alligator with a sausage you get a croc of baloney.